Unpublished: Operational Anxiety

Maybe the winter isn't so bad. Maybe.

Operational Anxiety

By K-Robe

Scene One.

New York City, the dead of winter. Four students make their way into a Panera, covered in snow and wearing heavy winter clothing. These are Dennis, Marion, Carrie, and Thomas. Dennis, Marion, and Carrie look to be of similar age, while Thomas looks a few years younger. Dennis rubs his hands together as they gather at a table, doing so in a manner that makes it obvious that this is a usual gathering spot for their group.

DENNIS

You know, I honestly didn’t know that subway tracks could freeze, but here we are, sitting at Panera. With nothing to do except lick our boots.

CARRIE

Ah, come on, Dennis! Things aren’t that bad.

DENNIS

I beg to differ! We’re stuck here on a Thursday night, cold as all hell, and with a paper due tomorrow. I like to think that the operative word here is “screwed.”

CARRIE

It’s your fault for procrastinating on that paper. I’ve had it done for a week.

DENNIS

You think Mr. Lichtmann will be willing to give me an extension?

CARRIE

No, absolutely not.

DENNIS

Well, thanks for the vote of no confidence. Carrie, have you ever done anything fun in your life? Ever?

CARRIE

I play video games with you, don’t I?

DENNIS

Yeah, but you beat me every time.

CARRIE

                                    (Smiling wickedly.)

Fun for me, I don’t know about you.

DENNIS

It’s only because you cheat…

CARRIE

Whatever. Marion, we’re good, right? We should be fine?

MARION

                                    (Slightly upset.)

I need to get home. My mom is going to be so worried.

THOMAS

                                    (Nodding.)

Yeah, my brother’s going to be wondering why I’ve suddenly decided to bail on family game night.

MARION

                                    (Lighting up.)

Family game night? That’s so cute!

THOMAS

                                    (Cringing.)

And this is why I should never open my mouth.

DENNIS

                                    (Laughing.)

It’s fine, Thomas! We’re not going to make fun of you. I play games with my family all the time.

THOMAS

Really?

DENNIS

No, but it’s a good lie to tell to make someone feel better.

Thomas suddenly looks despondent, which makes Carrie smack Dennis on the side of the head, much to his chagrin.

CARRIE

Thomas, can’t you call Robin and tell him you’re going to be late?

THOMAS

Yeah, I did that already, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet.

DENNIS

                                    (Chuckling.)

Probably too busy mooching with his girlfriend.

Carrie smacks Dennis again, this time causing Thomas to smile. The mood at the table lightens as everyone starts to get used to the idea of being here a while.

MARION

How is Sally, by the way?

THOMAS

Sally’s fine. She and Robin are going steady, but with them graduating soon, who knows what’s going to happen.

DENNIS

I forgot, where’s Robin going to college, again?

THOMAS

Uh, Carnegie Mellon?

DENNIS

Right. Ever the engineer.

CARRIE

                                    (Leaning on her elbow, looking to Dennis with suspicion.)

Where are you going?

DENNIS

Way to sound accusatory, Carrie, like you’re not even sure if I’m going to college. Watch out there with your sharp stares, you might end up stabbing me with them.

Marion suddenly chuckles, causing Thomas to join in. Carrie looks indignant.

CARRIE

Oh, come on! That did not deserve a laugh!

DENNIS

                                    (Grinning.)

I’m just such a comedian.

CARRIE

Are you going to answer the question?

DENNIS

                                    (In a mocking, uptight voice).

If you must know, I’m going City College.

CARRIE

Oh. That’s good, right?

DENNIS

Yeah, I mean, it’s alright. It’s not Carnegie Mellon.

CARRIE

But, then again, you’re not an engineer.

DENNIS

Heh, yeah.

THOMAS

What are you going into?

DENNIS

Poli-Sci.

MARION

I thought you told me that you were going into-

DENNIS

Shh!

MARION

Huh? Oh! Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, he’s going into Poli-Sci.

CARRIE

Uh-huh. The guy who probably doesn’t even know who represents his district is going into Poli-Sci.

DENNIS

What? I do know who represents me. Uh, Gillibrand, right?

CARRIE

That’s your senator. She’s statewide.

DENNIS

Ugh, fine. Art History major. You happy?

CARRIE

Art… History? Really?

DENNIS

Yeah, I mean… Renaissance-era painters are just so interesting. You never know what to say about Caravaggio either, you know what I mean?

CARRIE

No, but I have a feeling you’ll tell me anyway.

DENNIS

Part of my magnanimous-

CARRIE

Magnanimous charm, I know. You’ve got to stop saying that.

DENNIS

Always worked with the ladies before!

THOMAS

What, you being annoying?

Carrie bursts into laughter, Marion can’t help but let out a laugh. Soon, the entire table is laughing at Dennis’ expense.

DENNIS

                                    (Humorless.)

Ha, ha, ha. Laugh it up.

MARION

                                    (Genuine.)

I’m sorry, Dennis! It’s just – (laugh) – it just reminds me so much of everything you did to get your ex-girlfriend to stay with you!

DENNIS

Seriously?

THOMAS

Oh, is this the girl that forced you to start wearing that stupid hat?

MARION

                                    (Unable to contain her laughter.)

The fedora!

CARRIE

And told you that she was Icelandic royalty!

THOMAS

And got you to start eating everything with a salad fork!

MARION

And made you cry because of Sex and the City!

DENNIS

                                    (With a deadpan expression.)

Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?

CARRIE

You did quite a lot!

MARION

Were you really that desperate for a girlfriend?

DENNIS

                                    (Getting up in arms!)

Oh, as if this table is one to talk! Please, tell me all about your fantastic exploits with your significant others!

Marion blushes, Carrie quiets down. Thomas keeps laughing for a little while, but clears his throat when Carrie pinches him.

CARRIE

David’s fine.

DENNIS

Still growing that dumb mustache?

CARRIE

The mustache is fine! The mustache is charming! He looks like Michael Fassbender!

THOMAS

                                    (Snortles.)

Looks like a raccoon is on his lip.

CARRIE

Yeah, get your brother to stop growing a forest on his head and David will stop growing the mustache.

                                    (Carrie ruffles Thomas’s affectionately.)

MARION

                                    (Looking down, trying to be out of the way of any misfire.)

And, you know, Sam is Sam.

DENNIS

She’s still getting you to run every day?

MARION

                                    (Weakly.)

She’s killing me with all of these runs.

DENNIS

                                    (Clicking his tongue.)

Shouldn't have gone with someone who was on their school’s track team! See? There are downsides to everything.

MARION

                                    (Eager to get the conversation moving.)

What about you, Thomas?

THOMAS

Me? I mean… I haven’t gotten a girlfriend yet.

DENNIS

Ha!

                                                                        Carrie hits Dennis on the shoulder.

DENNIS

Ow!

                                                                        Thomas laughs.

THOMAS

It’s okay. I’m in a rush to get into a relationship.

DENNIS

                                    (Rubbing his shoulder.)

Tell that to your brother.

THOMAS

What do you mean?

DENNIS

He told me that you have a crush on Nancy.

MARION

                                    (Eyes wide.)

Nancy?

CARRIE

Nancy, really?

THOMAS

                                    (Beet red from cheek to cheek.)

W-what? He told you that? He was lying!

DENNIS

Thomas, it’s okay! Everybody crushed on Nancy at least once during their high school career.

MARION

Very true.

CARRIE

Even David did. And, trust me, I never let him forget it.

THOMAS

Really? I-I mean, I totally get it, you know? She’s just so pretty and bubbly and energetic and happy and smart…

DENNIS

Well, I don’t know about smart.

CARRIE

You really think you should be digging more of a hole for yourself?

DENNIS

I didn’t know I was digging a hole.

MARION

                                    (Placing a hand on Thomas’ forearm.)

It’s okay! Maybe you should give it a shot!

THOMAS

Give it a shot? You mean ask her out?

CARRIE

Whoa! May not be a great idea here!

DENNIS

Yeah, trust me! I tried that once and the rejection was crushing!

CARRIE

Which I found pretty funny at the time. In fact, I still do.

DENNIS

Just getting roasted tonight…

MARION

                                    (Ignoring the others.)

Seriously, Thomas! You may not have another chance! She’s graduating next year.

THOMAS

I’ll think about it…

DENNIS

                                    (Steering the conversation away.)

Anyway, I think the waiters have been looking at us for a little while now. You think we should order something?

CARRIE

You have money?

DENNIS

I always have money.

MARION

I don’t.

DENNIS

I’ll pay.

MARION

Really?

DENNIS

Yeah, if you pay me back.

THOMAS

Can you pay for me, too?

DENNIS

Uh…

THOMAS

Robin will pay you back! I promise.

DENNIS

Um…

CARRIE

I’ll pay for him.

DENNIS

Oh, good. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to afford a Metrocard.

CARRIE

Well, it looks like I’ve bailed you out once again.

DENNIS

Sure, Ms. Vote-of-no-confidence.

Lights slowly fade as the table discusses what they should order, the sound of winter winds growing intensely in the background.

Scene End.

Scene Two.

The same Panera. It’s clearly cleaned up from before and no longer plagued with vast amounts of snow outside. Dennis is sitting alone, by himself, and working on a laptop. Carrie walks in, notices Dennis, pauses, then approaches.

CARRIE

                                    (Smiling.)

Hey!

DENNIS

                                    (Smiling back.)

Hello, there.

CARRIE

                                    (Sitting down.)

What’s going on? You just sitting here by yourself?

DENNIS

Oh, you know. Just trying to get some final edits on this paper done.

CARRIE

The Lichtmann one?

DENNIS

Yeah. Can you believe he’s still giving us stuff to do this late in the year? Unbelievable.

CARRIE

Yeah...

                                    (Hesitant.)

Hey, listen. About last night-

DENNIS

We’re cool.

CARRIE

Huh?

DENNIS

We’re good. I was complaining the whole time so you were well within your rights to make fun of me.

CARRIE

Really? Because I was concerned that I might have gone too far. And everyone else saw that I was doing it so they thought it was okay.

DENNIS

Opened myself up for it. It’s fine, seriously. Don’t worry so much.

CARRIE

Oh, good. I was really worried there.

DENNIS

Your concern is very touching.

                                    (Stops typing, looks at Carrie.)

You’re being awfully nice today.

CARRIE

What, like I’m never nice?

DENNIS

No, but something’s wrong…

CARRIE

Please, Dennis, your skills of clairvoyance aren’t that attuned-

DENNIS

…and it has to do with David.

CARRIE

What? No, you idiot! It has to do with Marion!

DENNIS

Oh. What’s wrong?

CARRIE

She didn’t come into school today.

DENNIS

She didn’t?

CARRIE

Yeah, she didn’t. And Sam has been calling me looking for her. You know how desperate that is? Sam never calls me.

DENNIS

Hey, she never calls me, either.

CARRIE

Yeah, but that’s just because she got turned off on you because of that time with the guitar.

DENNIS

In my defense, I didn’t know it was that expensive.

CARRIE

Anyway, Marion is missing.

DENNIS

Maybe she just slept in?

CARRIE

It’s – (looks at her phone) – 1 PM. Marion is never asleep this late, is she?

As if on cue, Marion enters the Panera, tears in her eyes. Dennis and Carrie look at each other before they go over to Marion. Wordless, the trio sit down by the table.

DENNIS

Marion…

CARRIE

What’s wrong? Did something happen?

MARION

Yes… (sniffling)

CARRIE

What is it?

DENNIS

Is it Sam? Is it your mom? Was she upset that you got home late last night?

MARION

No…

DENNIS

Is it the flu?

CARRIE

Did a new Ed Sheeran song come out?

MARION

I was helping Thomas today.

Dennis and Carrie look at each other again with an “uh-oh” look.

MARION

And I got him to go ask out Nancy because I had done that with Sam. I had to get the guts and ask Sam out. No two ways about it, that’s what you’ve got do! You know, the epiphany I had while listening to Elvis.

DENNIS

Right…

CARRIE

So… he got rejected, I’m guessing?

MARION

She said YES!

                                    (Marion is all smiles under the tears.)

I’m sorry if I got you guys all worried. I was just so choked up seeing Thomas actually succeed where everyone else failed and… it was so (sniffles) beautiful!

Dennis and Carrie stare at Marion in disbelief. Lights slowly fade.

Scene End.

Scene Three.

Panera, again. But this time, Carrie and Dennis are sitting strangely, looking like they want to avoid being seen. They are furiously whispering to each other.

DENNIS

That little twerp! How did he manage to succeed where I failed?

CARRIE

Maybe because he has a genuine interest in Nancy, unlike you who asked her out for sport?

DENNIS

It wasn’t for sport! It was for the challenge.

CARRIE

Oh, whatever.

DENNIS

I need to ask him how he did it.

CARRIE

Didn’t Robin ask her out at some point?

DENNIS

Yeah, so this makes it extra awkward. I called him up and told him the crime his brother committed and it sounded like he wanted to gag… although that might have just been Sally kissing him again. Ugh, those two…

CARRIE

Shh! He’s coming!

Dennis and Carrie crouch as Thomas enters the Panera. When he swings by their usual hidey-hole, they spring up and grab him, startling him.

THOMAS

Guys? What the heck are you doing?

DENNIS

How did you do it?! How did you pull it off?!

THOMAS

What? I don’t-

CARRIE

Nancy, Thomas! How did you get Nancy?

THOMAS

Oh, that?

                                    (Smiling.)

I asked her if she wanted to see my model train collection. I didn’t think it’d be that simple, but it was!

DENNIS

What…? You mean it wasn’t a date?

THOMAS

No, of course it was a date! I didn’t ask her to see my model train collection! I went and asked her to go see Les Miserables on Broadway. She was more than happy to!

CARRIE

So, all it took was Broadway tickets?

THOMAS

And Freshman charm!

DENNIS

Oh, boy. I knew I should’ve gotten those Hamilton tickets.

CARRIE

Please, like you can afford Hamilton tickets.

DENNIS

They were balcony seats, too!

CARRIE

                                    (Ignoring him.)

Well, congratulations, Thomas. You bested all of the boys.

THOMAS

Honestly, guys, she’s a huge theater buff and loves Alfie Boe. You never thought to use the theater angle?

DENNIS

I was distracted by the red hair…

Thomas laughs, causing Carrie to begin laughing as well. Soon enough, Dennis joins in – at first ironically, then unironically. The lights fade as we…

END.